Klutz For Life ~ Next Cornelia Street Stoops to Nuts Show ~ March 13th @ 6pm

The National Black Theatre

Two weeks ago, I put up photographs of Harlem. What I left out was my outstanding klutz event in front of The National Black Theatre building.

That morning it was 17 degrees. I decided I needed exercise to offset the previous night’s party I had with a jar of Hellman’s mayonnaise and half a loaf of bakery Rye. Feeling tubby and cold, I walked, ran, walked from 132^nd Street and Lenox Avenue to Yorkville. Taking 145 photos along the way. At the same time, I used my phone to stay in touch with an editor at the New York Times on final changes to a story. Frozen, anxious and distracted, I snapped away until I couldn’t feel my finger tips touching the camera’s buttons.   

Injured camera, bump top right

Near the corner of 125^th Street, I took a picture of The National Black Theatre. Done with that, I fiddled my gadgets towards my pockets and ran for the intersection to make the expiring green light.  My feet tangled, I tripped so fast the only thing I could do to prevent my head from hitting the pavement was to put my arm out and yank up my spine as I hit the ground.  While in the air, I lost the camera, it ended up in the second lane of Fifth Avenue; my glasses flew off my face and bounced into 125^th Street. On the ground, I felt embarrassed and sore. Two people helped me up. But the traffic light was in transition and I had to make a Sophie’s Choice. What item to retrieve first - my glasses or camera. I figured one of them was dead. 

Tom's glasses live another day.

I grabbed the camera first, then ran to get my glasses and nearly got hit by the cross-town bus pulling up to the red light. My specs were now under the bus. Their fate was in the hands of the guy holding the steering wheel. I waited out the light behind the bus. So I could hold up the car behind me if I got lucky. The bus pulled straight out, I picked up my eyeglasses and jumped back on the sidewalk. 

I began my assessment. Coat and dungarees were torn at elbow and knee. Remarkably, my glasses didn’t have a scratch.  The camera had a nasty bump on the top of its head but worked fine. My noggin was okay because I drew my body away from the ground when I went down.  Considering myself lucky, I headed south. Two days later, my neck, mid back and lower back went out. You’re supposed to fall loose; I fell stiff. That was six weeks ago. I’m still not back to my normal level of joint pain.

When I was a kid my family’s nickname for me was “The Klutz.”  I like contact & I’m clumsy, a terrible combo. Throughout my childhood, I was on a first name basis with the Lenox Hill emergency room doctors. When she was 5 years old, my daughter told her mother, “Someone should keep an eye on him,” after she heard me fall off a ladder three rooms away.

A woman asked me yesterday if I had one hour to live what would I do. I told her I’d play tackle football at the Asphalt Green on York Avenue and 90th Street. Then die happy. 

Asphalt Green Football Field 1974

Our next City Stories: Stoops to Nuts show is Tues, March 13th @ 6pm. It's a beaut.  Our artists are Claudia Chopek,Joe McGinty, John Newell, Rick Patrick, Thomas Pryor, Rivka Widerman & Ward White. Getting my Irish up, it's my birthday week, bring your best game. I'm giving away 10 drinks. Admission @ $7 includes one free cocktail.

Tonte getting her Irish up.

Dog on 125th Street stopping to look at me after I fell.