You Can't Dress Him, You Can't Take Him Anywhere

First the good news, strawberry, apple & banana stains come out in the wash. Now the other news.

Yesterday, I pulled a doozy. After putting a lot of the above fruit in a blender with four ice cubes I hit the “crush ice” button and periodically poked it around with a knife until it turned to mush. Then I poured my first pint of poor man’s smoothie.  I took the glass to the computer and sat to enjoy my treat.  My phone rang, I answered it put it on speaker and placed it down on the desk. It was my cousin Jimmy.  He went to Green Bay this past week to see a Packers game, his first time at Lambeau Field. I got pretty excited talking with Jimmy about the hallowed place but especially my fondness for the Packers throwback game jersey. Blue background with a yellow circle on the front with a blue number in the middle.

Does it get better? For some reason it reminded me of The Who’s Quadrophenia. Rock & football. Oh, yeah.

When I get excited my hands start taking off like Frank Crosetti in the third base coach box waving Yogi Berra in on a homer. 

One of my hands whacked the glass. It started tipping towards the computer keyboard, but luckily, it fell back on my lap. Unluckily, it poured half itself on my new Droid phone.

“Jimmy, I just dropped a glass of lava on my lap, call you back.”

Got up started wiping myself, the floor, the rug, before I noticed my phone made a strange noise. Wiping it off I saw two things: two icons on the phone’s screen. One was a waste paper basket with a demonstrative arrow coming out of it and standing next to the basket was an icon that looked like an incredibly sad R2D2. I said out loud, “this ain’t good.”  

I changed my pants and came back to see if there was any change in the phone’s status, I sat in the chair and felt a creamy cold sensation against one of the apples of my ass.  I forgot to clean the chair and picked up some of the fruit lava on the new pants, the good pants.

Hour after the mishap, the phone came back to life, and the evil icons went away. I hope I learned my lesson but it’s more likely The Sun Ain’t Gonna Shine Anymore.

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Fyi, Our Town & The West Side Spirit published my column about“Half-Birthdays.”