Monday, May 17, 2010

"Don't Tell Me What to Do, or I'll Have My Mustache Eat Your Beard."'

YouTube is a time tunnel to youthful idiocy. Films like "What's Up Tiger Lily?" destroyed my scholastic potential.

It came out when I was 12. At 12, I'd laugh at a milk box. Then, Woody Allen dubs a horrible Japanese spy film with his own story line and dialogue and I'm spending good money to see the film three times down on 57th Street bringing different friends each time building a fan club.

Japanese detective, Phil Moscowitz, battles gangster, Shepherd Wong, yelling "Saracen Pig! Spartan Dog!" with each punch. Wing Fat desperate to locate the secret Egg Salad recipe warns Shepherd Wong, "Don't Tell Me What to Do, or I'll Have My Mustache Eat Your Beard." And he'd do it!

My favorite threat in the film: "Back off! My secret spy camera has taken pictures of you all through your clothes. Unless you release me, your naked photos will be sold in every school yard in Tokyo within the hour. Unless you are totally comfortable with your body, you must release me."

Here are a few scenes from the film. I must say, I'd be a big fan of this picture strictly because it champions Mayonnaise (Hellman's blue label, please) over Miracle Whip.

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